It's Okay to Fail AND Say No!
Getting Realistic in facing failure, looks like understanding failure is always an option, but its what you do with that failure that matters.
Recently, I read a post on Tumblr about “Saying No and why its okay to leave if you feel uncomfortable”. As a child (and female) I have been taught that saying no was a social crime. Saying no meant that I was causing problems, being an inconvenience, and that what I wanted didn’t exactly matter at the time. I was always taught to cooperate and compromise, and when I didn’t it would be held over my head repeatedly, and even sometimes for years.
Every time in my young adult life I have said no has been powerful; I’ve said no to toxic relationships, medications that were making me anxious, and no to honor myself and my bodily autonomy. No one has ever questioned me about it (except for when I decided to get a service dog - but that’s another story) and in fact, I have been supported, encouraged, and told that I was making the “right” decision. The difference that allowed this? I surround myself with others on their journey to saying no more, or who already firmly understand the power of No and Failure.
I guess my big question is why don’t we raise little girls (and everyone else) to have these boundaries to enact when they feel uncomfortable? When everyone says “Make yourself comfortable” or “What can I do to make you more comfortable?”, why don’t we answer honestly and keep that in mind for the duration?
I believe the answer lies in the teachings I was taught: “Don’t make such a fuss!”, “Don’t be an inconvience!”, and my personal favorite, “Your turn will come.” - but it never does.
As I grew up and graduated college I found that my own anxiety came from trying to meet these much engrained standards for others. It wasn’t until I got out of a very toxic romantic relationship that I started to realize, “Hey my comfort matters because I am the one who has to deal with the consequences.”
I am responsible for my own happiness and healing. I am responsible for my own actions. I am responsible for keeping my brother safe as his guardian. I am responsible for making sure my doggo is taken care of and happy. I am responsible for being a great girlfriend while maintaining and respecting my own boundaries. I am responsible for myself and my actions and their consequences. I am responsible for being responsible.
I am responsible for not feeling like an inconvenience. My illness is not a inconvenience for others, but it is for me, and others can choose to help me. I am not responsible for the choices of others. If others choose to help me I shouldn’t see it as them going out of their way to do so. Sure, sometimes that’ll happen, but instead of cooperation and compromise may I suggest a new C-word into this world?
Collaboration.
With collaboration, failure falls to the wayside. Collaboration suggests that the parties involved have cooperated and compromised in a way that keeps individual integrity intact.
If I can do that, then I have succeeded. That is what it would take for me to not feel like a burden. I am capable of so much but stuck in a body that is crumbling at its own attack.
While on the topic of crumbling…. Are whole body transplants available yet? Asking for a friend….
